The Same Deep Water by Swallow Lisa

Author:Swallow, Lisa [Swallow, Lisa]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2015-08-23T07:00:00+00:00

Chapter Seventeen

When I have the nightmares, they follow me into the daylight every time. I’ve learned to block the memories and blank my mind, but the anxiety triggered by my sub-conscious doesn’t subside for hours. On those days, my world is shrouded in red; I’m on constant alert against threats to my peace of mind. When these days coincide with negative experiences at work, things spiral.

I see the change happening, as if standing outside and watching the anxious Phe unable to focus, making endless lists or staring into space. I recognise her and hate when she slips back in. I don’t want her here but know she’s hard to shake again.

Time with Guy switches off the anxiety; but away from Guy, things magnify and this worries me. Who am I lying to more when I say this is no-strings, no real connection – him or me?

The afternoon in Dunsborough, when I told Guy I only wanted something physical, I fully intended to follow through. I didn’t expect to feel anything apart from purely sexual pleasure. Then I told myself this was a one-off, a release of pent-up frustration and emotions from months of control. Wrong. Each time we have sex, I’m drawn closer to Guy. The physical connection is different than before; nobody has looked me in the eyes or spoken to me when lost in the physical intensity. Yes, I have Guy’s care and respect; but in his eyes, I see more. Something is winding around us, each time tying me tighter to Guy in a way which can only be unhealthy.

This is how the fear creeps in, over the loss I’m facing. We don’t speak about Guy’s illness, in the same way he doesn’t probe me about my mental state. I’ve attempted to research his condition on the internet; but I was met with a confusing array of symptoms and varieties of brain tumours. One thing is certain: Guy will become affected physically.

We fool ourselves we’re living in the now, but our lives are focused on what lies ahead. I’m not sure I can cope with a bright future turning black again. I tell myself I’m stronger, that I’m walking into this with my eyes wide open, but my heart is open and exposed too.

Through Guy I’m learning I don’t have to remain frozen in a moment, or controlled by the past, and that my reliance on medication only to change my life is wrong. He echoes suggestions I’ve been told for years, painting a holistic picture of my recovery. Guy persuades me to attend yoga classes with him and join him for walks at the weekends. We’re no longer travelling companions; we’re companions. Lovers. A couple.

I attempt to back away and pull at the binds, but they’re too tight. I need to see this through to the end.

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